Beyond the Cusp

February 25, 2018

Let’s Make the World Safe for Everyone


We are hearing again from every direction the many varied means for making our schools safe and end these mass shootings. We are hearing suggestions from banning firearm ownership to arming teachers in the schools and everything in between. We thought that perhaps the real solution is to make the world safe for everyone and protest against all threats to injuries or worse. Obviously, the first step is to take every firearm, bomb and other military and civilian weapon and destroy them so that the means of war and violence are greatly reduced worldwide. So, now the opportunity for war would be taken from all nations as this only works if it is universal, not only this phase, but every phase of safety-proofing the world making it a safe place for everyone. Honest, if we can all get behind such a project, then we can make this happen. Get the United Nations and every individual nation on board and this can be accomplished. Just for fun, let’s see what it might take to make the world safe for everyone.


Well, after all the firearms are destroyed, and we do mean all, what do we do next? Well, we definitely need to take away all the sharp objects like swords, axes, knives, razor blades, carpet cutters, box cutters and other bladed items. Forks would have safety prongs with special rounded ends incapable of penetrating skin or they would be replaced with some form of safety spork. Electric shavers will still exist with safety shields so they will still shave but are incapable of cutting flesh. This will take away another major threat to public health. The next thing is to start addressing items by their number of fatalities they cause and find some way of making them non-lethal. This would place automobiles and other such vehicles that are one of the greatest threats to life on the list. If we demand that they are limited to a low enough speed such that they can stop almost immediately and have sensors, which would activate the brakes whenever they detected a potential for any impact, so they cannot even injure pedestrians. Their speed also must not exceed the safety rating of the bumpers, which probably makes ten miles an hour the fastest speed. There would need to be similar rules for ships within a set distance from any shoreline such that they too would be perfectly safe just as are motor vehicles. Remember, this is a completely improbable set of ideas, but if we were to live in an idiot-proofed planet, these would be the rules and this is something that there are people who would lead us there. These are the people who mourn every accidental death and demand that something be done to prevent such an eventuality from ever reoccurring. So, what would be next?


Safety Dinnerware

Safety Dinnerware


There would be calls for proofing all the waterfalls after some crazy makes the next attempt to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel. Many sports would need to be made illegal, as they would be considered way too dangerous. Such sports as football, skiing, sky diving, cliff jumping, bungee jumping, just about all jumping higher than hopscotch, even jumping rope, ice hockey, actually any contact sport, paragliding, scuba diving, rodeo, bull fighting, running of the bulls, field hockey, jai alai, boxing, wrestling, kickboxing, full contact martial arts and probably countless other sports and hobbies which somebody, anybody somewhere believes that it is too dangerous, and it will end up being a nearly all inclusive list. And for those wondering, yes, spelunking would be banned. There would be people demanding all sorts of usually harmless activities be banned just because if something went terribly wrong, then somebody might be hurt seriously and might even die. Actions such as rappelling would eventually be banned as soon as an accident occurred and somebody was seriously injured or worse. Actually, beyond chess, checkers, bridge or other board and card games, but not card throwing, might escape the, what we lovingly like to call, the old biddy’s ax.


Sporting equipment would require rethinking in some of the most unexpected ways. As states, all sticks and bats would be illegal as they are also assault weapons. But even Olympic events and innocent games would also need to be changed. The discus would be performed with Frisbees and the javelin throw would no longer be permitted. Weight lifting would be performed with a new system using stress bands which would not cause injury should the lifter slip or be attempting too difficult a lift but would rather lose tension should any drop be registered. Skipping ropes would be made of a softer cotton material which would break upon feeling half a pound of resistance to prevent tripping jumpers. Basketball rims would be made of an easy bend metal with just sufficient stiffness to withstand the basketball but would bend if feeling more than ten pounds of weight for more than three seconds in case a dunking player got hung up on the rim and the nets would be made of the same material as jump ropes. Golf would be played with virtual clubs and a self-propelled ball which would respond to the virtual club. Baseball and cricket would have virtual balls and bats. Volleyballs would be made more face-friendly making them softer and also more resilient. Gymnastics would have padded everything with safety nets and other devices making injury nearly impossible. Pole-vaulting would no longer be an acceptable sport; the pole is too easily used as a weapon. The high jump would now be performed using a light beam and a detector to determine if a jump was successful. The same technology would be used for the hurdles, as we do not need to trip a person when we can just add one second to their time for every hurdle struck. Tennis would be replace with badminton with the shuttlecock made such that its terminal struck velocity would be halved while keeping its range when hit virtually unchanged. Bowling would have a virtual ball which would simulate the weight and the differing cores around which any ball is constructed. Computer simulations would be replacing many sports such that they would also be freeing up space and saving other resources in an increasingly urbanized world these sports such as golf and field sports can be safely played indoors with less space required and thus enjoyed by everyone and done so safely. Every sport and activity would be injury-proofed as much as possible.


But now we come to things around the house that we find to pose some degree of severe threat. Bathtubs would have their overflow drain set at two or three inches. Buckets would be limited to three inches in height. Just in case you are wondering, swimming pools would be made illegal by this point. Stairs would be replaced with gentle ramps. All sharp corners would be rounded off just to be safe. Coffee tables would have their edges rubberized to protect people walking in the dark going to the bathroom at 2:00 A.M. without turning on the lights. Gas stoves and ovens would be illegal and electric stoves and ovens would have so many sensors and other safety features that without the manual, it would be near impossible to figure out how to use one to boil water, that is if boiling water was still legal. Doors and their frames would be rounded at the top and they would have a gap in the hinges such that even a fat thumb would fit comfortably. Beds would be required to have automatic padded safety rails preventing anybody from accidently rolling out of bed during their sleep. Fireplaces would be those fake logs with the turning tube around a light bulb and no more real fire fireplaces. No more wood burning stoves. All of society would be pretty much about as boring and lacking in thrills as humanly possible. There would be one result that the protectionists would be unable to prevent, people dropping by being bored to death. Simply stated, there is no way that really getting the world completely safe-proofed simply because, as the saying goes, nothing can be fool-proofed as fools can be so ingenious.


Beyond the Cusp



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